The Problem With Rationalizing in Relationships

A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. (Proverbs 22:3)

As a survivor of domestic abuse, people often wonder why I (or other victims) stay in abusive relationships. All I can tell you, is there are as many reasons as there are stars in the sky- there is no simple answer.

I am certain we all have stayed in a relationship longer than we should have at some point in our lives. Despite our partner being abusive, having drug or alcohol addiction’s, infidelities, or was simply not as committed as we were…we have all made decisions to stay longer than we should have…all-the-while knowing we deserved better. When I share my story of domestic abuse, the look on people’s faces goes from shock…to a look of confusion as they mentally attempt to analyze the “why” and ”how” someone that once loved me, could commit such a heinous act.  I have had people ask me, “What did you do to make him act like that?”  or even “was he drinking? “(As if, there must be a reason to explain his behavior).

Long before my ex became physically abusive, he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. It was subtle at first, little things like shifting blame on me, falsely accusing me, to being insulting in front of others.

I remember rationalizing his behavior…as it made it easier for me to accept his actions…, which ultimately validated me staying. 

Rationalization means starting with a conclusion, and then trying to work backwards to prop it up. We as humans have a tendency to take negative things and spin them until they have a positive meaning. I found ways to convince myself that there was a reason for his behavior; he was under stress, he was mourning the loss of his mother, it was my fault because I was pregnant & hormonal.

For example, let us say your boyfriend is giving you every indication that he is losing feelings and wants to break off your relationship. However, you are so terrified of losing him… that you seek out every bit of “evidence” you can find, to convince yourself that he still loves you and wants to be with you forever; instead of seeing his actions…you begin to rationalize.

You spin his negative statements until they have positive meaning — you blow the tiniest hint of a semi-pleasurable response from him vastly out of proportion — and that which you cannot spin or inflate, you evade. You concoct a “reason” for everything: he’s tired, he’s sick, he’s “not himself,” he’s under stress, and will soon be back to normal. Nothing in your method is geared toward understanding the facts of reality…but specifically avoiding the one fact that you cannot bear to accept: that your relationship just may be irrevocably doomed.

A person who is rationalizing is not genuinely motivated to discover the truth, but to justify their feelings. Rationalization looks not at reality, but at what one wants to be true. It means the sin of living inside your own head; confusing the “I wish” with the “it is.” read here.

Instead of seeing a person and their actions at face value…we rationalize all the signs and red flags. We have to learn to see a person for who they really are… and not who we want them to be.  We tell ourselves we just need to try to convince our partner we are committed to them, when the truth is we are trying to convince ourselves to stay.

Truth About Self Hatred and Low Self-Esteem

“I was teased growing up,” I began.  “For three years, male and female tweens talked about the size of my nose, the color of my skin, my skinny legs, and non existent breast,” I continued.  Initially, I had no intentions of divulging my adolescent tale of woe with the fourth and fifth grade mentees, but I deemed it necessary.

Just before my comments the girls viewed a PowerPoint presentation of women thought of as beautiful:  Beyonce, Rihanna, Ciara, and then Lupita Nyong’o.  The immediate response to Lupita’s image was one of disdain. She was dark and her hair was short.

“She’s bald headed,” one said.  Another described her as, “Black.” Even though her features mirrored several of the girls in the room, she was harshly criticized.  Before I knew it an indignation rose in me.  I had to speak.Even though I am grown, and old enough to know better, sometimes the lessons I learned in my youth are difficult to overcome.  What I learned was that the “fearfully and wonderfully made” me needed some work done in order to measure up.  This perspective was impacted by  society’s dominant images, the taunting of children who didn’t understand the ramifications of their actions, and the lack of affirmation I received from my father.

I had to speak because I knew somewhere in that crowd of estrogen was a girl who felt just as I did when I was her age.  She needed an advocate, someone to stand up and say you are beautiful.  She needed someone to teach her how to love herself. 

The effects of self hatred and low self-esteem are subtle: slowly infiltrating our psyche until we don’t even notice it.  Constantly, we are bombarded with a barrage of images dictating what beauty is and is not. Air brushed women with hair and wardrobe stylist, personal makeup artist and plastic surgery are touted as the world’s standard of beauty.  And I’ll be the first to say I have believed the lie, often enduring a torture filled regiment of hair straightening, face painting, eyebrow plucking, and spanx (need I say more). 

I do this in an attempt to reach the ever rising beauty bar.  If I didn’t straighten, paint, pluck or squeeze my appearance would be drastically different.  In my purest state I’d have bushy eyebrows, uneven skin, a protruding belly, and a rather large afro.  This image will never meet the societal standard of beauty, but it does meet God’s. 

I know this, and like a good Christian woman I am quick to quote Psalm 139: 14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  But yet, if I’m honest, I periodically continue the detrimental habit of self hatred as I look in the mirror sizing myself up to images super glued to my brain.

As I approach 40 I have yet to hear my earthly father tell me that I am beautiful.  And as much as the little girl in me longs to hear him say it, the adult woman I’ve become knows I must embrace the truth about my beauty from the words of my heavenly father.

I am a handmade one-of-a-kind original creation of God himself.  There are no defects, imperfections, or mistakes in his eyes.  God, a lover of diversity intentionally, created me and you. read here

We are wanted and have a value that far outweighs the physical.  So however you see yourself today: big nose, flat chest, round stomach, top heavy, splotchy skin, short, tall, skinny, fat, peach, tan, brown or caramel, know that you are loved by your Creator. When He looks at you, what He sees is beautiful.

Trusting God With Your Prayers wow

Quite recently, I found myself thinking about what else I could do to try and speed up the answers to some prayers of mine. I thought of fasting more, maybe a prayer vigil, praise God more, perhaps sow a big seed at church etc.

If you notice, none of the things mentioned in my list is wrong. For example, we should praise God often and we should be aiming to fast, pray, and give as much as we are able to. But the error is in thinking that by doing more of these things, I might be able to get God to move quicker. I had to check my motives. 

“It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer and while they are still speaking, I will hear?” As most dog owners would know, a treat is a big deal to dogs. You could almost say treats are to dogs what blessings and breakthroughs are to humans. My dog, Picasso always wants a treat and I look for opportunities during the day to give them to him. Usually treats are for training or reward, but there are times when I just want to spoil him. To test his level of obedience, I may ask him to do something i.e. fetch a ball or sit. I set him up in order to bless him with a treat.

What I’ve noticed though, is that whenever Picasso needs to be taken out or is hungry, he will come close to me and start lifting up a paw, sitting or doing some of the other commands we normally give him without being asked. He’s hoping that by showing obedience, I will be more likely to heed to his request. What he doesn’t realize in his dog mind though, is that I’m fully aware of his needs and would do those things anyway.

I realized that just like the dog, I was trying to get on God’s good books so He could perhaps answer my prayers much more quicker. The Holy Spirit said to me that this is not an attitude of trust. 

Meanwhile, God knows our needs. He even knows our desires for some things which we don’t need.

He may sometimes ask us to do certain things to bring us into alignment with our desires. 

He may delay answers to some prayers for the sole reason of preparing us.

He may be using this time as a way to increase our level of trust.

It’s not by our own good works that we get the father to answer our prayers. So no matter what your needs are, rest assured, knowing that God will meet all your needs. He is able and He is not deaf to your prayers. You don’t need to try and win His love or favor. It’s unmerited.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 

IS SHE MARRIED? HAS SHE GOT KIDS?

I was on a bus last week at Adum and headed towards campus when we stopped in traffic. So one of the passengers saw an old friend of hers from afar and shouted her name. The friend turned and upon seeing her old friend, they exchanged pleasantries and this other friend started asking the one on the bus, "How is your daughter?" The one on the bus answered, "She is fine." Then the friend asked again, "Is she married now?" The woman answers again, "Yes, she is." Then she asked yet again..."Has she got any kids yet?" To that the woman answered, "No." While such questions aren't foreign to the average young man or woman growing up in Ghana, I think it has often become a needless question for anyone to be asked.

The truth of the matter is, not everyone is meant to marry. Or to put in another way, not everyone WANTS to get married. So our culture of expecting everyone to get married is totally flawed. Our last census figures point to the fact that there are more women than men in Ghana. If we should all be married to one man and one woman, it simply means not everyone will end up being married. To top it all up, why the craze about childbirth after marriage?

So it looks like once you are out of school or are becoming of age, the most natural question you should almost always expect is: When are you getting married? After you "strive" to get married, the next natural follow up is: When are we expecting a grandchild or nephew or niece? I think it is too much of pressure on the average youth. Let us leave our youth to make their own marital and childbirth decisions at a time that best suits them. After all, these engagements are economically and mentally involving. No one just wakes up to go get a wife or husband and starts giving birth. If we don't want to increase the number of street children, let us allow young people to make their own decisions in that regard.

Not everyone is able to stand such pressures.

By Jonathan Adzokpe

5 Prayers Every Mother Needs To Utter

All prayers are powerful, but I feel a mother’s sincere prayer is one of the most powerful tools we have has a parent.

Praying has been a staple in my life as a parent. Prayer guides me, aides me when times are tough, comforts me, and provides insights.

It was my prayers that often made the difference in how things turned out with my children. I believe they might have turned out for the worse if I had not uttered them.

As I reflect back on the years of raising my children, these 5 prayers stand out as transformative and life changing for me and my children.

1. “Please God, help me see any talents or gifts my children have that they’re meant to develop, that I may not otherwise see.”

I started uttering this prayer when my oldest daughter was only a toddler. I feel the prayer was given to me to make sure certain events played out in her life. Otherwise, I may have missed them when they presented themselves!

It is interesting that the answer to this prayer was received more than a decade after it’s first utterance.

My daughter was 15 at the time and was in the habit of singing around the house. I started to notice she had a natural gift for singing and a love for music, both of which I have no talent or gifts in.

I felt prompted to encourage her to take voice lessons, which she was excited about. As we took initiative to find a voice teacher, the spirit took over and everything fell in to place for her to pursue this gift and talent. This completely changed the course of her life. She went on to receive a Bachelor of Arts degree in Vocal Performance, develop her talent as a stage and vocal performer, and become trained as an early childhood music educator.

She has shared her insights in several blog posts here on The Child Whisperer blog. And she continues to share her beautiful voice with many.

2. “Please God, if this is correct for my child to experience, please support everything coming together to allow it and to keep them safe. If it’s not correct for them, please cause an interference so it cannot come to pass.”

When my oldest son was 15, he came home for school one day and announced that he was going to ride his bike across the country with a best friend and the friend’s adult brother.

We found this interesting, because he didn’t own a road bike and he hadn’t really ridden a bike on a regular basis in the past.

Somehow though, I knew before I had even uttered this prayer, that I was to allow this to unfold and see what happened. So instead of laughing at the idea or questioning it’s validity, my husband and I got behind him.

As things developed and plans were made, I felt prompted to utter this prayer. I knew I had nothing to worry about if God deemed it correct for my son.

Everything came together, and in late May of his 15th year, my son and his best friend and brother rode their bikes across the country, arriving in Yorktown, VA the week of the 4th of July.

While my son was riding his bike across the country, the most common question other mothers asked me was, “aren’t you nervous or scared for his safety?” But because of my prayer, I knew my son was in God’s hands and all would be well.

This son is now 30 years old and a first time father of twin daughters, who is just beginning to utter the prayers of a parent.

3. “Please God, help me notice if there’s anything my child emotionally needs from me, and help me to take initiative to give it to them.”

I started uttering this prayer when my children were young and there was a lot going on.

Four children ages six and under is a lot of commotion a lot of the days of parenting, as many of you know very well.

I knew meeting their emotional needs was essential to their healthy development into adulthood.

In my book The Child Whisperer, I cover the 5 stages of emotional development every child goes through and how to meet these needs true to their dominant Energy Type. I didn’t have The Child Whisperer in my early days of parenting, but somehow I knew that my children would show me the ways they needed emotional support, and I’d need to decode it.

This prayer aided me in being successful in that role as their mother.

4. “Thank you God, for helping me know what is important today as a parent and to follow through on it, Thank you for helping me know what’s not important and to let it go!”

This is a prayer you could say every day. We all have more to do than there is time for!

As a Child Whisperer, you already know that what matters most are your children. We need to be there for each child in a way that supports their true nature. With the help of The Child Whisperer parenting model, you can achieve this as you continue to develop your talents of intuitive parenting.

Uttering this prayer will help you continue to see the big picture and keep your children as the priority.

5. “Thank you God, for giving me patience when I have none.”

We all run out of patience.

We all come to the end of our sensitive parenting rope! We will all lose it at times and then regret how we treated our children.

I uttered this prayer, knowing perfectly well that there would be times I would need it. I know I was aided and given that extra measure of love and patience, when I honestly had none left! In fact, I still say this prayer, even though my children are grown.

There are more prayers I uttered that enabled me to be a good mother. I know God and his angels were there for me and continue to be there for me in my role as a mom. read here.

Children seem to provide us a lot of opportunities to get on our knees to seek out God’s guidance and support. For that they make us better people!

Prayer for new week

As you start this week, Almighty God who created you will surely provide for all your needs in a timely manner. Your life will not lose value, God will remember your requests today and grant you speedy answers. He will remember all your good works and reward you greatly.

Though some people have seen you to be cheap and downtrodden, but as from today they will count themselves privileged to have known you. God is about to put an end to all pains you have secretly suffered. You will experience overflowing abundance in materials, finance and anointing. Fear not! 

Happy new week from us ASB's World.

Beware: These 10 Foods are Made in China

As incredibly as it may sound, an article published some time ago spoke of the production of fake rice in China, made out of plastic! What is even more shocking about it all is the fact that no one does a thing to prevent it!

The ingestion of even small amounts of plastic seriously harms the digestive system, as well as hormones. The BPA (chemical) in plastic mimic’s estrogen and the levels of the hormone tremendously increase in the body when BPA is ingested.

This is only one finding that should assure you to be reserved about the food produced in China, however. Regarding the Chinese innovative procedures that they use to make cheap technology products, toys and other consumer products, we believe it is dangerous enough even to think about their application to food.

China is undoubtedly one of the most polluted regions in the entire world and produces more pesticides than any other country in the world, meaning your food is most likely to be laced with pesticides. First of all, it is a fact that the air in China is toxic. Research found that the air in Beijing, China, is so polluted that breathing it actually does as much damage to the lungs as smoking 40 cigarettes a day.

70% of its rivers are polluted as well, and the sheer volume production of products there leaves a lot of toxic chemicals and by-products as waste. These leak into the environment and pollute it to a seriously high extent.

These are only part of the numerous indications that foods produced in China are perhaps one of the worst choices you can make, for they may seriously harm your health.

This is a list of 10 foods produced in China that should not be part of your menu:

1. Plastic Rice

Indeed, plastic rice is being produced and it is believed that its effects could be cancerous. It is said to be actually made from potatoes and a fake synthetic resin, but it doesn’t cook like the regular rice, as it stays hard after boiling.

2. Tilapia Fish

Tilapia is commonly fish-farmed in China, for 80% of the Tilapia in America comes from China. It is one of the worst, most toxic and unhealthy fish that you can come across. Farming leaves fish in extremely bad conditions, for they are placed in a small pool of waste water, and they actually eat anything there during their development process. Being aware of this, the sea-food farmers won’t let their own children eat the seafood that they farm.

3. Processed Mushrooms

34% of processed mushrooms are from China, and US inspectors have found tainted mushrooms from China. Furthermore, there are even some manufacturers in China that go so far as to label these processed mushrooms organic to increase their profits.

4. Chicken

The reality is that China produces more pesticides than any other country in the world and is polluted by not only that, but its mass production and industry as well.

Also, regarding the fact that China is a country where avian influenza and food-borne illness are common, numerous food safety experts are concerned with the quality of this chicken. Yet, the sale of chicken from China in America has been approved by the US Department of Agriculture in 2013.

5. Green Peas

Once more, avoid food from China. The production of fake green peas in China was discovered in 2005, but it may still last today.  These fake peas were created with snow peas, soy beans, along with green dye and sodium metabisulfite (a chemical that is used as bleach and as a preservative).

The use of this dye is banned as it can cause cancer, as well as inhibit the body’s natural ability to absorb calcium. Just like fake rice, these green peas also didn’t soften when boiled and the water turned an unnatural green color.

6. Cod Fish

Statistics say that currently just over 50% of American Cod comes from China. Cod is absolutely unhealthy as it lives in its own waste.

7. Mud (Sold As Black Pepper)

China is the largest pesticide producing country in the world and they haven’t even begun to address pesticide or chemical residue on foods. The Chinese don’t have a lot of due diligence in their food and safety regulatory systems, and consequently, the origin and contents of food can often be left vague.

Believe it or not, a vendor in China collected mud and sold it as black pepper, and also took flour and sold it as white pepper. Therefore, in order to protect yourself and your family and avoid any unwanted side-effects, always do your best to know your source, buy local and true organic.

8. Industrial Salt

Industrial salt should also be avoided, for it has been found to be unfit for human consumption by scientific research. It can lead to mental and physical issues, hypothyroid problems, as well as reproductive system disorders.

9. Chinese Garlic

Apart from tainted mushrooms, US inspectors have also found tainted garlic from China. This garlic is sprayed in enormous amounts and it leaves a bad aftertaste, that of a chemical concoction. To speak in numbers, 31% of Garlic sold in the US is from China.

10. Chinese Apple Juice

Regarding the extremely high amounts of pesticide produced in China, it is best to avoid apple juice completely, as approximately 50% of the apple juice sold in the United States comes from there!

Yet, it is hard to tell if a food item originates from China or not. Hence, it is best, if possible, to grow your own organic food or to find a reliable local farmer or a store, where you can buy naturally grown foods.