I wrote a
short article with some prophetic insight on overcoming hurt feeling’s
God’s way some years ago and it’s consistently one of the most visited articles
on my site. And on Sunday I was a guest on Love and Life Radio, where I
discussed the topic of “church hurt” with Coach Steph. Although some would
argue that we need to die to self, overcoming hurt feelings—dealing with offense—remains
a relevant topic in the church today.
Have you
been hurt in church? What are you supposed to do? How do you handle it?
Leave the church? Confront the issue? Bury it? Lash out at the person who hurt
you? When people are hurt by a church or church member, how can this conflict
be resolved? What does this Bible say about this and how do you
practically walk that out?
1: Take
it to God
When a
pastor or a parishioner hurts you, the very first action to take is prayer.
The hurt you feel is real and pretending like you aren’t hurt isn’t going to
bring healing. Sometimes when we get hurt in church folks like to tell
us that we have no reason to feel bad and we just need to get over it. Half of
that statement is true. We do need to get over it, but it’s not always true
that we have no reason to feel bad. If someone is spewing malicious gossip
behind your back and you find out about it, it stings.
No matter
what kind of hurt you’re dealing with, don’t rush into a confrontation with the
offender. Take it to God in prayer. Psalm 50:15 says, “Call upon me in
the day of trouble.” That works for a troubled soul just as well as it does any
other trouble. Tell Him how you feel and ask Him to heal your wounds. It may be
that the Lord is going to deal with the offender directly and anything you say
would just make matters worse.
Or, it
could be that the Lord will give you a graceful way to explain why you feel
hurt. If you take it to God, He can give you the very words to say to your
offender (Luke 12:12). And He can bring conviction to that person’s heart when
you approach them with a spirit of humility (John 16:8).
2: Don’t
Retaliate
Whatever
you do, don’t retaliate. In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches us to
turn the other cheek (Matt. 5:38) and to love our enemies, bless those who
curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use
you and persecute you (Matt. 5:44).
With that
in mind, don’t go around telling everybody what someone did to hurt your
feelings. And don’t make accusations against those who hurt you if you decide
to confront the matter. Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings!” say, “When
you did that I felt hurt” or “When you talk to me like that I feel upset.” Own
your feelings because they are your feelings. It’s very possible that your
offender has no idea that what they said or did hurt you—and never meant to
hurt you. If you approach them in humility seeing reconciliation, your
offender may be quick to apologize.
3: Let
the Lord Work
Peter
exhorts us to “above all things, have fervent love for one another, for love
will cover a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8). Again, be led by the Holy
Spirit. It’s not always necessary to go to someone who hurt you every time
they do something you don’t like.
It could be
that the Lord is working something out in you. Maybe you’re too sensitive. We
always need to check our hearts. Is the person really being hurtful or are we
looking at it through filters of past hurts or rejection or anger that
cloud the truth? Ask the Lord. Or it could be that the Holy Spirit will
bring conviction—maybe even heap coals of fire on their head—as you bless them
outwardly with a heart of love.
4: You
Can’t Heal Until You Forgive
The bottom
line is this: It doesn’t matter how wrong your offender is, you have to
forgive. Forgiveness is not for the other person—it’s for you.
Forgiveness doesn’t justify what someone did that was wrong, nor does it
necessarily mean that the relationship goes right back to where it was.
If you
don’t forgive, you end up bitter and resentful and before too long you’ll end
up hurting other people. The healing process can’t really begin until you spit
out the bait of offense. I’ll leave you with this prophetic insight the
Holy Spirit gave me once when I was extremely hurt in church:
“When the
feeling of hurt arises, the spirit of offense comes on the scene to fortify the
pain, tempting you to hold on to the grudge in your heart. Therefore, the
proper response to emotional pain of the soul is always an immediate confession
of forgiveness from the heart. The alternative to forgiveness from the heart is
the ongoing torment of the soul. So if you want to be free from your hurts and
wounds, take thoughts of forgiveness, meditate on them and confess them rather
than taking thoughts of the hurt, meditating on them and confessing them. This
is God’s way—and it’s the only way that brings true healing. And, while you are
at it, pray for those who have hurt you. This process will cleanse your heart
and renew your mind. And you will walk free from the pain of your past.” Amen.
Source: Jennifer LeClaire
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