Just One Big Fight Doesn’t Mean the End of Your Marriage

How many times have you been involved in a fight with your wife, left the situation unresolved and

felt like the easiest thing to do would be to end the marriage? Get where I am going?

Here are a few of my typical thoughts I used to have immediately after a dispute with my wife:

"Why do I put up with this time and again?"

"Divorce would put a quick end to all of this stuff."

"There has to be an easier way than this."

Just because these are my typical first thoughts, it doesn't mean they need to be the first course of action I take after the fight. Never forget that we have an enemy and he lurks daily in our marriage (1 Peter 5:8).

So, let me share what I use to do and what I now do. If you're with me so far, then you might want to keep reading.

Before our wedding day, we didn't receive a whole lot of training for our marriage. We did have to go through some marriage counseling, but I'm pretty sure my ears were turned off half of the time. Blame it on my age and immaturity. I mean, I had been through verbal disputes with family growing up and with other people throughout my years. How hard could solving disputes in marriage really be?

They were much harder than I thought. And when disputes did come up, I was typically left standing in an empty field that smelled like a freshly loaded dumpster. I was completely oblivious as to what I needed to do, how to handle the conversations and how to seek a resolution. This didn't make for a great start to marriage, and for those of you who read Manturity often, you know what I'm talking about.

So here are a few ways I handled disputes with my wife early in marriage and some ways I've seen other men handle their issues. If you can relate or have your own old ways, please share them after the article in the comments.

• Shutdown and want to leave her
• Shutdown and wait for her to speak up
• Shutdown and seek attention elsewhere

Leave Her
Leaving her was typically the first thing that would come to mind after a tough verbal dispute. It didn't matter what the issue was or what was being discussed, I just felt like being on my own and away from her would be the best option. If we couldn't work it out, I would want to at least just leave the house. Go somewhere! Anywhere! I was never sure what to do or where to go, but I don't think it ever really mattered.

Shutting down and leaving your wife after a tough dispute is never the right answer.

Wait for Her to Speak Up
Again, it didn't matter what the issue was or about, I would assume it was up to her to bring it back up and apologize. I would typically give her the silent treatment until she decided to realize how wrong or disrespectful she had been to me. It never occurred to me during this earlier years that it was my responsibility to take the lead and seek the resolution.

Shutting down and waiting for your wife to speak up first does not show leadership in your role as leader and husband.

Seek Attention Elsewhere
Porn, masturbation and seeking another woman all sounds pretty extreme until you are shutdown due to a tough marital dispute with your wife. Quite frankly, these three are the most damaging activities a husband can engage in after a fight.

Porn happens because during the ongoing dispute, a man knows he won't be having sex anytime soon. He defaults to fantasy and suffers greatly from it. Masturbation happens for similar reasons. Again, sex and pleasure are most likely out of the question, so he takes matters into his own hands.

And finally, husbands who are shutdown are suddenly open to the idea of maybe another woman is the best option. Maybe a co-worker or a neighborhood friend can be a better fit for you? This isn't the answer and you'll destroy everything you've built with the woman you vowed your life too very quickly.

Shutting down and seeking attention from another source will only bring you pain and despair.

So what is the answer? How can a fight with your wife not lead you to one of the three areas mentioned above?

Here are the top ways I seek resolution after a dispute in my marriage these days:

Stop and Pray
That's right, no matter what the situation is now or no matter how mad I get at the fight, I turn to Jesus first. Now, it's not going to sound like a sweet lullaby or a quiet prayer, instead I typically start with these questions. Why God? Why is this happening in my marriage right now? What do you want me to do or how do you want me to react?

Father, show me how I can be a good husband and leader through this situation. These are just a few things, but you get the idea. So the next time you and your wife are going at it, stop and pray. Either pray with her or pray alone, but talk to God first. And stay there as long as you need.

Seek Resolution
In the past, our marriage issues could go on for days, even months! I'm sure you can relate to that timeline and agree that there is nothing fun about that time. I now try to seek resolution quickly. For example, my wife and I were at a baby skills class before our little dude was born and something happened to where she embarrassed me in front of everyone in the class. Granted, I didn't know anyone, but it still crushed my spirit. I gave her the look of "what did you just do", and went on with the class.

Afterward, I had a choice to make. I could either let the issue sit for days or I could bring it up in a loving way to her. Well, I swallowed what little pride I had left and spoke in a very soft tone. I mentioned that I didn't appreciate the way she treated me in the class and was very embarrassed. I told her that I was trying my best and didn't feel like I deserved that kind of treatment. Because I addressed it quickly and in a loving way, she was able to understand my side of things and we agreed to work on it in the future. That was the end of it.

I understand that there are many types of issues and mistakes that can be made in marriage, but I encourage you to not give up on your spouse or your marriage, and especially your children. Prayer must be your first priority. Accountability with another man or your Pastor could be another option. But please, don't default to one of the top three scenarios mentioned above.

Are you struggling in your marriage? Let's talk about it and seek a resolution.

Have you overcome big disputes in your marriage? Share your tips and ideas with the community!

Manturity

Give Thanks

TEXT: LUKE 17:11-19

Key verse: “And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?” (Luke 17:17).

Those who bear the stigma of HIV/AIDS know the sorrow they go through every passing day even though society has come to realize that not all sufferers came by it through careless lifestyles. Those who have received their miracles from such embarrassing condition know what it means to be free.

Likewise, the stigma of leprosy in Bible days was so strong that the victims were isolated from all forms of social associations and interpersonal relationships to avoid any possible contact, because it was a deadly contagious disease. Those who received the divine intervention of being cleansed owed it a duty to give thanks to God. Giving thanks to God for His kindness, mercy and goodness is a function of individual heart’s condition and capacity to reflect correctly.

Our text today is an eye-opener to the danger of forgetting to offer praises to God after miracles of healing, deliverance, salvation and breakthrough in life. Ten lepers cried to Jesus for healing and cleansing. In answer to their plea, Jesus sent them to the priest for a confirmation of a gracious healing received. Their miracle was based on the simple principle of asking and receiving. Unfortunately, only one of them, a stranger, came back to give thanks. The rest nine went their ways. Jesus then asked with concern, “where are the nine”?

It is common in modern days to receive great miracles of healing, deliverance, provision and escape from danger with an ungrateful disposition. Those who do not sit back to count their blessings will not see sufficient reasons to thank God.

Of course, refusal to thank God for all the benefits received does not diminish His divine attributes of showing mercy and compassion on His creatures; yet, giving thanks to God opens more doors of greater miracles and benefits from Him. He that offers praises glorifies God. Grateful Christians grow in grace and understanding. How often do you remember to say “thank you Lord”? Those who have received God’s love, mercy and salvation with other physical and spiritual blessings must endeavour to come back to Him with grateful hearts of praises.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY : Praise is comely for the upright.

Transparent Holiness

TEXT: JOB 31:1-12

Key verse: “If my step hath turned out of the way, and mine heart walked after mine eyes, and if any blot hath cleaved to mine hands” (Job 31:7).

The Jews picked up stones to put a woman taken in adultery to death. But a question by Jesus that any of them who was free from sin should cast the first stone disarmed them. They were hypocrites in the garb of religious people. They knew they were fake! But Job’s example of righteousness stood out in prosperity and in adversity. He left no one in doubt, including his friends-turned-detractors, when he had to defend himself over flimsy charges levelled against him. It is interesting that Job was so confident to make pronouncements as in verses 5 to 10, more like pronouncing curses on himself, if he had done evil.

How many Christians are as sure of themselves today as Job was then? Whereas the trends in fashion and dressings have turned the attention of many a professing Christian to outward appearances, Job was concerned about not paying attention to these outward shows. Paul, in Ephesians 4:17-24, obviously stressing the same factors Job earlier pointed out, warned believers not to walk in the vanity of their minds.

Job did not speak of the things here recorded by way of boasting, but in answer to the charge of hypocrisy. He understood the spiritual nature of God’s commandments, as reaching to the thoughts and intents of the heart. It is best to let our actions speak for us; but in some cases, we owe it to ourselves and to the cause of God to solemnly protest our innocence of every false allegation levelled against us.

Let us therefore walk circumspectly and carefully avoid all sinful means of getting wealth. Let us dread all forbidden profits as much as all forbidden pleasures. What we have in the world may be used or lost with comfort, if honestly gotten. Without strict honesty and faithfulness in our dealings, we can have no good evidence of true godliness. Yet, how many professors are unable to abide by this touchstone!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Self-deceit if unrepented of will eventually result in self-destruction.

Recipe: CUTE FROZEN BANANA PENGUINS

If you want to try a snack recipe for your kiddos then try these cute and adorable banana penguins. To make these first cut bananas in half and melt some chocolate. Dip the top part of bananas in chocolate and some lower part too. 

Detail the chocolate dipped bananas with candy eyes and orange chocolate candies. Pop them in the freezer and serve frozen.



Your kids are surely going to fall in love with these little banana penguins. For more details about this snack head over to momma told me blog.

BLUE RIBBON DIFFERENCE

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.

Using a process developed by Helice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.

First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.

She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.

Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.

Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.

Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.

The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.

His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart.

As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?

The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today.

I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius.

Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says ‘Who I Am Makes A Difference' on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor.

As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you.
"My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you.

Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me.

Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook.

He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I don't need to."

REFLECTION:

In life we are to encourage and build up each other; not to discourage and tear down one another.

In life we are to add, not subtract; to multiply, not divide.

In life we are to leave an enduring impression; not a careless dent.

In life we are to smooth out the rough roads along the journey; not create new potholes.

In life we are to sing a joyful song; not just drone a groan.

In life we are to add our harmonious strains to life's symphony; not strain the symphony with clatter and clang.

In life we are to soar on eagles' wings; not to peck and cluck with our beaks in the dirt like chickens.

In life we are to radiate light into unseen places; not permit unknown fears to dim our radiance.

In life we are to leap in faith; not to limp with doubt.

In life we are to give freely of our time, our love, our resources; not to cling on to them greedily.

In life we are to lift up others; not push them down.

In life we are to open our hands to those in need; not to clutch our hands in fists of distrust.

In life we are to lend a helping hand to make loads lighter; not use heavy hands to hold others back.

In life we are to be messengers of peace, signs of joy; not Chicken Little portents of gloom-n-doom.

In life we are to enjoy, to savor, to remember, to reflect; not to overlook, to forget, to ignore, to reject.

In life we are to seek conscious awareness; not doze in the doldrums of half-awake.

In life we are to dare mighty things; not to fear things gravely.

In life we are to show up, stand up, step forward and speak up; not to cringe in fear, choosing to sit down, or to step back, allowing the voices of silence to speak so loudly.

In life we are to exercise proper stewardship of earth's resources; not pillage the heritage of future generations.

In life we are to move forward through forgiveness; not grind to a halt mired in bitterness and resentment.

In life we are to be wacky, weird, and wonderful in our own unique God-given way; not to be staid-n-proper lemmings, stuck on life's treadmill.

In life we are to reach, to stretch, and to soar; not to slink in fear, held back by mistrust and doubt.

In life we are to realize: "I am a remarkable Somebody!";
not listen to other's jabs: "You're a Nobody, an Everybody, an Anybody."

In life we are to comprehend, "I am worthwhile"; not tremble with feelings of worthlessness.

In life we are to create, to laugh, and to live life nobly; not to despair, to moan, or to live life less.

Believe in Yourself

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren’t the way you had hoped they would be.

That’s when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down.

But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself.

There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them.

Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are.

So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be.

Because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

Keep Believing in Yourself!

How I Met & Fell In Love With My Husband, Pastor Yemisi Ashimolowo of KICC

Pastor Yemisi Ashimolowo is the First Lady of Kingsway International Christian Centre (KICC) one of the largest and fastest growing churches in Western Europe, with branches all over Africa.

Pastor Yemisi, who added another year on September 23rd, 2014 is married to KICC Senior Pastor, Matthew Ashimolowo and she is the proud mother of two sons, Tobi and Tomi. In a recent chat whith City People, she opened up on her love story...enjoy:

Now, let’s go personal Ma, how long have you been married to Pastor Matthew?
I have been married for 33 years.

Did you envisage that you were going to be married to a Pastor as a Pastor’s daughter?
No, no, no! Marrying a Pastor was the last thing in my mind. Because my Dad is a Pastor and as a Pastor’s daughter, I dreaded marrying a Pastor. My Dad has 2 brothers that are Pastors also but of different denominations. I never really wanted to marry a Pastor but God knows the plans He has for our lives.

So, how is being married to Pastor Matthew like?
First and foremost, I thank God that I never listened to the Unilag lecturer who warned me against marrying Pastor Matthew otherwise I would have been probably in a one corner room here in Lagos. But see how my life has turned out to be traveling all over the world to preach and minister. The lecturer never saw any future in Pastor Matthew as a Pastor but the lecturer is late now.
I didn’t know that marrying Pastor Matthew will end this way even I didn’t want to preach when I married him, I just wanted to be a full house wife but he was the one who really discovered me, and saw the beauty of God in my life. So, he mentored me to be what I am today. And I never knew that KICC would be a big church that it is today.

How did it all happen between you?
Okay! I can still remember vividly, it was January 1980, when Pastor Matthew came to my Dad’s church to assist him as an Assistant Pastor. He just came out of Bible School as a fresh graduate then and he was immediately posted to Foursquare Bible Church as an Assistant Pastor to my father even though he had CAC background. And I saw this young vibrant man who was posted to my Dad’s branch. I remember, we were having a serious challenge at that time and we were worshipping outside because our properties were been thrown outside by our landlord over land problem in my area at that time.
It was at this period of time that this young and fresh man (Pastor Matthew) came. This man was so committed and the way he was serving God swept me off my heels. Then I told God that God, if only you can give me a man like this young and vibrant man that is newly posted to work with my Dad for a husband but must not be a Pastor, then I will forever be grateful to you. It was his commitment to the Lord that attracted me to him. This young man was so committed to the things of God.

Was it love at first sight?
Not really because he was a Pastor and I didn’t want to marry a Pastor but I was only attracted to him when I saw him. I must also confess, marrying Pastor Matthew is the best thing that has happened to me. But you know, as a Pastor’s daughter and having 2 Uncles as Pastors, I wasn’t interested in another Pastor again. But I thank God I married one now.

What has been the challenge(s) so far?
Definitely in life there will be challenges. But you need the grace of God to deal with them. And in the ministry, you have to meet and deal with different kinds of people and all of these takes the grace of God.

Marriage-wise?
Every marriage has its ups and downs and every marriage goes through challenges and as I said earlier, it only takes the grace of God.